Uganda’s very British problems

The coloniser left us with a number of problems including these very British problems we inherited. Not sure how they were passed onto us but perhaps it was during the signing of those several forever binding agreements where tea and cookies were served. The front runners of all this must have been the rich enough and privileged enough to chill with the coloniser. Or the beautiful and Melanined enough to sleep with them.
Perhaps it was a natural pull that the British found their perfect match in us as we shared the same ways. Quite a love story but unfortunately after the break up one party is still in confusion and suffering from abject poverty as they were more of leaches and dependants in this relationship and the other was just cunning. Bad thing is that even after the very ceremonial breakup, either party won’t fully let go. There is a commonwealth.

Speaking of break ups and the commonwealth, there was a royal wedding last weekend which reminded most of us of our own Royal weddings down here in the banana republic. Tooro and its princess who wasted our time then the Kabaka who ended up conforming to his traditions and getting a prince out of wedlock after marrying in church. What absurd state of confusion.
We have failed to find a balance between our British ways and our traditional ways. I can’t be sure where we shall draw the line on the topic of homosexuality.

But “We should definitely organise something soon to further discuss this!”
When a Ugandan says this, it’s just a polite way of saying see you at the next wedding. This phrase is #4 on the English language cheatsheet we were left with to guide us with the British language.

#1 on the Ugandan English language cheatsheet. Here is a baffling one.
All answers to how are you is ‘am fine’. But here are a few suggestions we can use. These should be crammed.
– I’m very unsure
– Bad, I think?
– I’m just pretending to work until home time
– I’ve no idea what I’m doing
– There’s so much to do but I’m not going to do it
– Have you seen the state of me?
– I’d rather not say
– Please go away
– No

The scary bit is not being honest about everything else. We are not honest about how we are or how we are feeling and this I suspect has led to dishonesty in other things like prices of items in owino or government funds meant for the sick or needy.
But I understand due to the many problems we have down here, it’s safer answering ‘am fine’ because if someone begins deliberating their problems they will be endless. And no one has time to listen to 99 problems and money is all of them.
Actually I came across a joke that if you have less than $40 on you in Kampala, don’t dare ask a girl how she is.

This is from some friends.
“Aged 20, the concept of being honest about feeling crap didn’t occur to me as a possibility. I thought you just didn’t tell people you were ill until you were dying or something.”

“I baffled my French boss one day when I was feeling ill and didn’t bother him about it until I felt I could no longer sit at a computer. ‘But you said you were fine an hour ago?!'”

And at the work place you find phrases like “I hope this email finds you well”
I bet you have come across this in your email. I swear this must have been the same statement John speak started with as he wrote to the Royal geographic society when he ‘discovered’ the Nile. Of course he must have said ‘hope this whatsapp text finds you well’

Nope, it finds me bored, tired and irritable, but go on…

Then when it gets to modern day communication You get things like “Did you get my text?”

Yup. Read it as soon as it arrived. Bye.

Often when we meet long lost friends.
“You are lost”
“You’re very quiet”
“You’re not”

And finally talking the weather
“Cold out there”
“Yeah it was raining when I left the house

– end of conversation –
– repeat tomorrow –

Nothing much to talk about the weather anyway. The British have over four different seasons but it all comes down to lots of rain and some sunny days as down here in Uganda we have two seasons but it all comes down to sunny and abrupt rain. You will wait in vain to put on your fav shorts if you are counting on perfect weather in either country.
Given how unpredictable the alternation is, the weather to put on shorts is anytime. So if you find a Ugandan soaked from head to toe wearing shorts, do not take him for a fool for the wardrobe choice, i guarantee you it was sunny and hot as the Sahara that morning as he was leaving the house.


Excerpts from my debut novel.

Chapter 3: Lost in La-la land

Everyday is another adventure day.Exciting lively days.
Some moments am killing bandits in a jungle in Cameroon, the next am building castles in the sand at the beach in Hawaii. A place I came across watching my favourite tv series Hawaii five-0.
Here I got plenty of friends, we execute missions together and sing victoriously through the Spanish streets after defeating the wild blood thirst toro bravo bulls at the annual bull run.
Me and my friends are mafias who are ruthless, merciless, rich and have all the money in the world to buy all our favourite toys.
We got the admiration of all the girls including the magnificent Stephan who is in my class, that is middle class at st. Mary’s school.
In my adventures Stephan is older than me but loves and adores me to the chagrin of my boys because they like her too. But here am the hero in my days, in my head.
Am the lead protagonist in this life of me, Stephan and my loyal friends. My henchmen.

This life is good, I rule the world but it is only often interrupted when mom calls my name to go do a chore(now i sweep the streets that I used to rule) or when she stumbles in drunk from her night of self pity or when the school bell rings waking me up from my la-la land.

This is the world I want to live in, I think about this as I see Stephan talking to other boys, yet she has never told me a single world.

My world is different, I go places even though am in the corner(watching you kiss her) alone with nobody around. Am lost in it everyday.

I have to feed this hungry monster of imagination, so I always make sure I have the best movies and comic book collection, the TVs remote is mine. I fully enjoy the pacs of unsupervised Tv. Despite dad coming once in a while to watch boring sports then knudging, nagging and urging me to play a sport.
Yes of course I play sports in my world often and am the MVP but presently I see it in the eyes of my dad that he would want me to look a little less timid but more confident and aggressive. Not in this world for me.

My ideal world is in my head. But my present would be so much better if mom got her job back and we saw her less.

Chapter 8: My Babies

I love my babies, I adore them and am glad everyday that I have them.
Ethan is 4 years old, Tracy is 2 years old.
They are such sweet little darlings, fragile angels that need protection.
It’s a fast paced world I live in now and I have a 9-5 job. Unfortunately am a divorced and on countless days a single parent. I barely have time to put my hair together.
Life is so hectic, am always running helter skelter in the city but the thought of my babies is ever present.

Am I even a parent, do my babies know I miss them, do they know am their mom, I always wonder.
I wake up at 5 leaving them in bed and I return at 9, when they are fast asleep most times except Ethan who tries to keep awake to watch unsupervised tv. The things he has learnt from that flat panel I cannot come to teach anyone. Most I guess are undesirable lessons for children.
Tracy is one I never get to find awake yet she is so lively on those special occasions when I get to hang with her on my off days.

But today…today I get to see my babies as I was fired from the job.

Guest Post || Weekend Away To a Tropical Island Part 1(Ssese Islands | Uganda) ••By Kisambira Hassan


Guest Post By Kisambira Hassan
Travel Blogger


For me it is a love and hate relationship with water. I never think about it as a place to go have fun and explore, it never crosses my mind to do a boat
cruise and visit an island or I never look forward to a weekend spent
frolicking on the beach but sometimes I go to the swimming pool, though I haven’t been there in a while. I like to go to the pool on the first date, I realize this is a good idea as I get to see what am getting into before

Who wouldn’t in this era of hair extensions, tonnes of makeup,
enhanced and pulled up body parts. But no that is not what i was talking about getting into. Getting into pool water is easy, you know the depth and the deep end and there is someone ready to come to rescue as soon as you start swallowing your way out. As for the other waters, no idea am a cat person there. You never catch me anywhere near the shore, i know how capricious those waters are.


Well it is a new month and like all new months I look for a place to travel to and recount the trip on my blog after.  This time thank God for the independence weekend (TGFIW said no one ever) I will take a trip, a different trip and i will write about it before I get there unlike my previous trips.


Finding myself planning a trip to an island on lake Victoria was not my choice really.  I needed to get away and normally when am out of the country I choose low budget accommodation, not my choice again but this time since it is an inland trip I had to go for exquisite high end accommodation so of all the travel details I took care of that first.

Through a friend I got a place without knowing where it is(everyone deserves some randomness). with further time on the internet I found out Brovad
sands lodge > is on an island, Ssese Islands Kalangala on Lake Victoria. I liked the place and a little water(lake Victoria is one of the largest fresh water lakes in the world) will not stop me from going there to unplug and waste time away.

So here is what I plan to do and what I expect at this island gate away :

1. To see the Sunrise

Seeing the sun after a night out has been one of my best moments and makes for good memories and not to forget is a benchmark for a a really fun night.

But unfortunately most times i do not get to see the sun, it is as
rear as seeing the eclipse. so see the sunrise i must. Saturday morning would be nice.


2.To See the Sunset

I bet everyone has seen those magnificent sunset shots taken at the seaside, lakeside or ocean, in movies, on Instagram or on a camera .

Actually sunset shots have their own hashtag on different social media platforms. Well I not only want to take a picture of one but I also want to see the sun set on this tropical island. How beautiful it is going to be. I imagine it being like in that scene in the pirates of the Caribbean.

3. *The ferry ride, Getting lost and loosing bearings on the lake*

The last time I  took a short boat ride, I completely got confused and lost my bearings. It was a feeling of confusion and relief when finally I got back to land.

Well this is not something to look forward to but it is guaranteed to happen, I want to know how I will react to it many years later, a lifetime later. Or I should just avoid this and download a compass
app on my phone. I would but I wont because I know that app will be as useless as the calendar app on my phone. So let me go get lost at sea(lake).


4.*camp fire, the white sand and swimming*

Well the last camp fire did not go well as i almost set myself on fire but camp fires are life. Best way to chill at night in the open but i hate the cliche guy with a guitar at the fire side. Hope i don’t find him. I prefer my music blaring from speakers.

Sesse Island has white sand I heard and I haven’t been anywhere near lake Victoria with white sand or clean blue water so this will be nice. I will definitely swim in it(Goes to cut and wash old shorts to be used as costume. kidding. I purchased brand new swimming shorts a week back.)

5. *Quad biking, hiking, sleeping, dirt biking, bird watching, dinner*

Well this here is a just a bunch of activities available and I cannot
guarantee my participation. i will probably be too lazy or out of time to do them. But they make for good attractions to the place.

Off to the island.

Mud fan and art at an International music festival

Many of us love the arts but we are not good artists or artisans. But the arts always find us. The arts will find you.
So Speaking of the arts in a society obsessed with the last seen,updates and notifications, in my pursuit of the same i ran into one of the most iconic rappers Africa has seen whose career unfortunately for me and other fans took a detour i guess but still i could not hold back my groupie glee when because of the good sound and music blaring from the electro stage(one of the many) at the Nile discovery beach in Jinja, i looked up from my mud covered sneakers to catch a glimpse of the DJ, lo and behold it was ‘thee mc Africa’ formerly of the trailblazing hip hop group Camp mulla. More enthusiastic fans, friends of mine first had to dash to the stage to ascertain and then shouted back at me ‘he is the one’ before they were hastily bounced by security. I could not still believe it was him so i found my way around the security , sneaked on stage and talked to him. He now goes by Taio Tripper real name Mathew Wakhungu. Him and Camp Mulla brought us fresh sounds that were ahead of their time with hits like party don’t stop, fresh all day and for me this gentleman stood out. Back then they were actually compared to the black eyed peas. Then there was a spawn of similar groups like airport taxi back down here in Kampala and others who did not get to see the light of the day since even camp mulla split up later. Taio is still in the industry as he released an album man made machine recently.

I try to always seek out different unique new sounds,people and activities because i also easily loose interest in many so i fell into Ugandan arts by first ditching my daily fun activities for more meaningful and fun activities. I started by going to the Goethe Zentrum Institute Kampala for their movie nights, arts forums, sundowner end of month parties, poetry recitals, book readings and the Laba! annual art festival. This is where i met most of the artists, poets(special mention is Peter Kagayi), Authors, dancers, choreographers, tourists, expatriate friends and interns working in Kampala. You can check out Goethe Zentrum Kampala monthly activities at GZK programs

Then on my quest i also took more interest in my friend DJ Aothewalker’s usually nocturnal activities. DJ Aothewalker is an afro house DJ and music producer in-house at Embers bar and the pineapple music factory studios both at Studio on the 7th on 7th street industrial area. He has been dubbed ‘the soulripper’ by his fans. you can check out his mixes at AO mixcloud and AO soundcloud , you will never want to listen to David Guetta Nigerian music playing DJs again.

Taking up artisan-ship in food and beverage by participating in the Friday night market at studio on 7th and different festivals and events in Kampala with  Vuzi Smoothies further helped me meet with the right crowds,artists and artpreneurs.

My whirlwind chase for the arts is how i found myself at the nyege-nyege international music festival at the Nile discovery beach in Jinja and ultimately running into Taio tripper and my dance choreographer brother who i didn’t know would be at the festival as he was previously in Rwanda doing his thing. This may be up to debate but i introduced him to break dance, as i was the first to start attending the B-boy classes at Nsambya sharing hall but that’s a debate we are yet to have given that my break dancing did not go past me passing a wave to the next person(most overdone break dance move).
The festival was a whole new experience. Having gone with FOMO crazed friends and being familiar with the crowd there including the expatriates and tourists as these are the same people i met at the different arts events i attended back in town. This was the weekend of a lifetime. From new sounds in kuduros, kwaito, Afro house, hiplife, Tuareg rock, cosmic synths from Niger, Arab tech, Morrocan bass, zouk bass, soukous, balani, funana, and swahili trap and Tigrinian blues from all over Africa to new DJs and music acts, accidental mud sliding after heavy downpour which brought tears and laughter at the same time, 24hr partying, zombie walking looking for friends out of sight to finding new friends, seeing crazy wazungu dancing like babies learning how to walk to seeing the sun rise over the Nile. It was a small haven and i loved every bit of it.

After the three day festival, Monday blues struck immediately and hard . The body was spent and i had unsettled nights still dreaming of the experience, sweating the gin and rolex and catching up with normal meals. I actually just recovered this week to reminisce.

The Thrill of Bungee Jumping

“I’d rather be scared to death than bored to death”

To take the jump or not to. This is how life has been lately as we battle every day situations and shenanigans in a crazy world. After a catastrophic week mired with anxiety, mild depression, zero motivation and whole days spent sleeping. I needed a push, a shove and a shrink who i found in my friend Adrian(Jack of all trades this one, same guy who did photography for my Airbnb listing). Not shocking since he hates my guts and  is not a professional counselor, Adrian advised me to go jump to my death. I cant believe i trusted this man’s discernment but i half decided to go Bungee jumping the following weekend.

I have been to the world renown tourist destination Jinja several times with family and friends, camped at the Nile and i always pass through it between home and Kampala. It is fun but there are those few seconds i always craved for. Those few seconds on the Adrift Nile high bungee. To suggest it to the parents would be like signing up for parentlessness and impromptu burial arrangements just like i waved off my rights to sue Adrift just in case something went wrong.

I have always known that am manically fearless and daring with my love for contact sports and trouble at school but jumping from one of the most spectacular 140ft high bungee in the world is something else.

A few years from now i will not be able to tell how i got up there but i hurriedly and fearlessly got up there with no second guessing or contingency plans but i guess this was partly induced by the the strict no refund policy in case one got weak knees and peed themselves.

Being a long time coming, i had to savor this moment,  while walking up the steel platform that soars over the cliff that towers over the deep fast flowing river Nile i looked down, i looked him in the eye. Though i highly suspect its a her since it involves risking it all and diving  into waters for a thrill that lasts seconds.

Prior to the decision to do the jump, one particular detail stood out being which diving pose i would use. Would it be the grand old pool dive, the superman flying pose, the Neo flying pose from the matrix or maybe the naked man stance. While up there I was shown into the ‘kings seat’ so called maybe because it has been sat into by greats including prince William and others who have taken on the ‘ultimate personal challenge’.  Here attention to detail was key as i was  strapped so hard at the ankles and at the waist area it left a humongous organ print on my khaki pants(exaggeration here for personal reasons). The bungee safety guy appropriately donning a t shirt with the words “id rather be scared to death than bored to death” pointed out the safety features perhaps in a bid to make sure i did not change my mind or because he has dealt with lots of back to back safety questions from scared patsies and sissies. Then under strict instructions i hoped to the edge, crossed the cord that separated the jumper from the safety guys which really made me feel like i was  in that situation where you are making a bad decision alone and the separating code was to make sure  you do not take anyone else down with you.  I still had my everything together standing on the edge, i was able to wave to the camera and  with the wind howling i heard loud mumblings with a barely understandable count from the safety guys as i jumped with the superman stance into the air. It felt like an unending jump into a bottomless pit in a dream, adrenaline at its peak with nothing to hold on, seeing nothing but green and blue then suddenly i felt a pull upwards and that’s when i felt saved and had to  soar like a kite in the sky. The upward bouncing ans swinging happened several times as i barely heard the  stewards calling on me to hold the oar so i could be lowered into an inflatable boat.

I Finally found the only thing that lasts shorter than sex or an mixed martial arts fight but more dangerous and exciting. I vow to do it again.

I was so exhilarated by the whole experience and relieved this moment again and again thanks to the great in-house photography and my resilient Sony xperia ray video recording. This is also when i found out that instead of looking like superman taking a jump, i looked like the drunk looser Hancock.





Being bored of everything everyday despite thousands of options for entertainment and preoccupation for me has passed the point of cliche and descended into a point of threadbare stereotype. Many of us are joining a group of zombies who are bored of everything. Bored of forwarded and recycled whats app messenger jokes,news, job adverts. Bored by the everyday tabloid headlines with fickle tabloid material. Bored of hang outs with the same deafening often bubble gum music played over and over again till your senses accept it as good music. Bored by the senseless politics and drama making for coleus and often revolting office talk among paper pushers who never want to leave their desks all in the name of job security. Bored of the economic recession talk which makes good fodder the social commentator’s gripe fest.

With this thaasophobia creeping up, i decided to take a random trip. How about go see a different city and speak an old language i used to know, meet old friends i haven’t seen in a long time(lots of change here). Usually i sit in Kampala have a drink with friends in different cities but now i was ready to risk it all mid year and take off. But random comes with its challenges as any attempt to escape reality. There were numerous postponements.

So i boarded a bus with my person with a mutual disdain for cliches and one equally incesed by stage bodabodas,  and her often well guided pessimism is for both our good. I had a smooth night journey, met very irritable border officials who pushed me to the back of the queue twice as this whole East African community thing hasn’t picked up well at the Busia border yet, got played by a money changer at the border or not and this remains a deeper mystery than the moon landing or jfk assassination. I had a smooth ride still, beheld the magnificent rift valley whose intriguing mystery and beauty cannot be explained then blankly gazed at the country side till we arrived in Nairobi

Its a different city in many ways from Kampala though. From the many midtown skyscrapers to more reckless and exorbitant bodaboda riders(still learning the dynamics from their Kampala buddies i guess) to the cool weather allowing for a leisurely walk around in my favorite hoodie and at the same time making swimming a very bad idea. it is here that uber’s selling point ‘cheaper and safer than boda boda’ makes most sense. It was quite a relief that there was no much hooting from motorists making it less irritating.
while a stroll in  the CBD feels like one is in Windhoek Namibia, one in Nairobi west near Nyayo stadium feels like its Kampala with the street food and loud music.
The hospitality from people is great but being from my city any act of good faith is met with high end suspicion. so i didn’t really acknowledge these numerous acts of kindness from the askari at the Forex bureau.
Nairobi is also a hub and perhaps a market research ground for international franchises from kfc, steers, burger king to others. yes i mostly noticed the food chains and Only the customer care would differ. I managed to grab myself 2 burgers for the price of one at steers as it was the visa burger week. For a man on a budget i was in the right city at the right time.
While here i managed to counter the famous ‘makarao’,the Kenyan police as i was frolicking along river road. It is said that these guys can dry your pockets faster than a trip to the mall and their camouflage uniform is rather unusual for the law enforcers making me wonder what the army would put on, iron-man suit???. As soon as i was stopped images you get when you google Kenya police ran through my mind but thank God it was just them welcoming me to Nairobi. so if you want a good nights sleep please do not google images of Kenya police. On the positive note, they are unarmed so for lack of  trigger happiness they compensate by whipping the baton.

It is in the lively and buzzing  Nairobi west that me and my recently overfed rugby playing friend Aleki hit the early waters, the healing waters aka liwowo aka liweng at the fully packed lively Discount bar. Here you could think protein and gender imbalance was on the menu as this was a rugby players hang out. The healing waters are magical to those who know them and they will brutally hurt those who don’t(sadly i didn’t know them).
its here that i got acquainted with the way of life of my Nairobi peers, quickly caught up over slurred words and noisy jabber . How can one survive in this environment of overly priced beer.

I was here just for a fleeting moment in time but this trip served me well to navigate the intricate web of life and my travels.