#UgHacks: How to hook up with a muzungu without being a rasta

So you are an average male Ugandan who likes to keep his hair short and neat, you prefer your jeans clean when you put them on, you are not into weed and smoking, and although we are all black, you have a lighter skin complexion and you have a real job so you cannot hang out at bars everyday. how are you going to compete with the Rasta who are everything you are not for a muzungu lady?

First what makes the Ugandan Rasta the bazungu ladies men is a mystery but we won’t delve into that. though i think it is the dreads, no. maybe the fact that they do not discriminate by age. or they are more Ugandan than the rest. mystery? so to have it easier just be a Rasta.
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But for one who sees this unfairness where if a muzungu is dating a Ugandan girl, they date the best of them preferably a model. Then when a Ugandan man dates a muzungu….all hell breaks loose but i do not want to offend anyone. so i think we need a meeting with the Rasta community because they are the majority of people setting these unfair standards.

Enough of the Rasta.

Given that there is currently an obsession about dating light-skin chics in Kampala,  if someone turned up with a white chic, competition would be dead. he would win the competition without lifting a finger.

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Now from Ug-Hacks here is how a “not-a-Rasta” guy can turn up with a muzungu babe.

Join Aiesec:this students organization is responsible for a good percentage of the datable white females who come to Uganda. if you are too old for Aiesec friends. (small shout-out to Joseph and Gerald)
Join an NGO: NGOs are breeding grounds for  bazungu females with good hearts. Keep your day Job and be one of the few Ugandans who volunteer or just be a big time donor. ‘hard paper’ that one but eyes on the prize.

Lastly: leave the tourists bazungu for the Rasta

ONE MAN’S MUSE by Chris Holm

River Heights Book Review

ONE MAN’S MUSE by Chris Holm

Larry Arsenault could’ve done without the voices.

It was bad enough he had no job. No girl. No favored hangout to haunt, nor any money to spend there if he did. Nothing but this godforsaken place, and the constant company of the voices that resided here. The rest, he could’ve swallowed – accepted as his lot in life. But the voices he could not abide, any more than he could shut them up.

Time was, things were different. Time was, Larry had as decent a gig as a high school dropout in Central Maine could hope for, working the line at the Georgia-Pacific pulp mill up in Old Town. Made enough to buy himself a decent truck (a Ford Super Duty not more’n ten years old) and his knocked-up lady friend a ring (a cheap gold band inlaid with diamond chips, but real gold…

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UG-hacks: How to score a perfect rolex in Kampala

Welcome to Kampala where rolex is eaten not worn. as they say

rolex t-shirt. its a movement.

rolex t-shirt. its a movement.

Well i would have gone to how to make a perfect rolex but we all know that people who devour rolex don’t cook. they are normally students and broke bazungu.which means the bazungu are eating it for all the wrong reasons. Brokenness. naaaa actually one can afford  a good meal at a good restaurant if he swapped his titanic (rolex of 4  fried eggs, 2 hot dog sausages, half sliced cabbage, 4 sliced tomatoes,  and minced meat) for money.

So let us leave the cooking for guys who eat while seated and see how one can get a good rolex in Kampala.

Well there are places where one can get a perfect rolex by just mentioning either ‘bibisi’ or ‘sibibisi'(someone please shout out ‘wandegeya!’). Yeah  the rolex world is divided between bibisi guys and the other guys. we have #TeamBirungoBibisi and the other guys. Though i did not do much investigation, i heard there is beef between these two teams. apparently one team claims the other team are not doing the real rolex.

Let’s start.

Locate a perfect stand: we like rolex but we don’t want to throw-up immediately after intake. because we are counting on this rolex lasting one a full day. Yep, that dough can stay in your stomach even for a week. so pick out that stall where the Rolex-guy is putting on an apron. there is no proof but they are normally clean.

bujagali representing there!

bujagali representing there!

Spot the ingredients: before you order a rolex. Inspect the joint and see if all the ‘birungo’ are present. Check for everything your like on your Rolex. tomatoes(check), onions(check), cabbage(check). if he doesn’t have everything, walk away. Too many stalls around the corner. No hard feelings for the guy because it is a joke a round town that all rolex guys know each other and they are from the same region of the country. Move on, your money will end up in the same place anyway.

Trick the Rolex guy: If he doesn’t ask if you want ‘bibisi’ or not ‘bibisi’ hold your silence. Then after he has mixed up everything, tell him out of feigned frustration ‘mbadde njagala bibisi’ right there those will be extra servings. best of both world.

note that if you cant say all the luganda words in quotes, you will never have a perfect rolex in Kampala. So with that rolex in, you won’t be hungry when the next UG-hacks comes, a week from now or 2.

5 Things You Need to Know About Alcohol, Backed By Research

Facts to use to win that beer or no beer argument.

TIME

  • You drastically underestimate how much alcohol it would take for you to

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UG-hacks: How to pick the right boda-boda in Kampala

I write this for the locals. For others, the thing is once you get to Uganda, try to become a local. it will be more fun that way. otherwise you will be conned by the man next to you right at the airport. In fact even by that one you landed with at Entebbe.

Today i start my series of UG-hacks. Hack number one is about how to choose the best and safest boda-boda when you are in town. find description of boda-boda here

Boda-boda at work. any load.

Boda-boda at work. any load.

For good price negotiation, choose the shabbiest and dirties boda-boda rider(huh!), these tend to be owning the bikes because by the time it gets old like that it means he finished paying off the loan he used to buy it so that only means low charges. And also the shabbiness indicates good nature. everyone will side with me, neat people tend to be a bit rude, arrogant and a tad bit too serious.

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And for guarantee that that boda-boda you are taking won’t only take you past your destination but also rob you,pick a boda-boda from an organized boda-boda stage. i mean boda-boda stages are everywhere there is a shade in Kampala. This won’t be hard. actually you can create your own boda stage without owning a boda-boda. what you need to do is plant a tree outside your gate and baaaam… boda stage.

As for cheap prices and faster getaways…always stop the moving ones. in Kampala there are boda-bodas that roam aimlessly and can take any direction and you could find them easily, just like in Kampala we have the ‘bazungu’. These boda-bodas will take you anywhere faster(for lack of a nicer word for recklessly) and you have the privilege of never hearing from them again.

Because there are those boda-bodas once you use them, they take it upon themselves to haunt you. whenever you show up at the stage or immediately show  your head out of the gate. they will show up. we all hate those ones. because there will be a time you will feel like taking a female boda-boda. and you won’t because of this contract binding you to that nagging boda man who want to have a conversation while riding. with all that wind blowing his words away but you have to be polite and reply.

Lastly please avoid the yuppy ones. you can identify these easily, they don’t put on helmets or their helmet visor is always raised. well this is a tricky one, most of them don’t put on helmets. so it only means one thing, all boda-bodas in Kampala have an opinion on everything, unfortunately that only means they are human. They will chew your ear off in that gustily wind while riding down one of the hills. The gas you will have at the end of the day will get you ready for the next UG-hacks.

Sales and the ‘friend-zone’

Sales is not only a career but it’s life itself, like you will realize that everything you do to make a sale on the job is the same thing that applies to accomplish anything else in life from when you are born.

I have found the sales game very similar to successfully getting the girl you want. some people prefer to fall in love with the first person who shows interest but if you are one who goes for what you like and you get it, the experience is no different from closing a business deal.

From the time you walk into social gatherings and places looking forward to meeting some girls and boys,weird i know (prospecting). and you know most of them will tell you ‘i have a boyfriend’ yet you already know the nigga.

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Then you spot the girl you like, your type of girl, your class and who you think can go with a guy like you(qualifying your lead). Not an easy one because you will find that many fail at this as they  they do not mind about how long it will take to close the deal, so they end up in the dreaded “friend-zone” for decades.

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So the time to approach, also referred to as approach in sales. how will you talk to her? first impression lasts forever. Biggest mistake for me is to forget to exchange contacts, sometimes i forget and i have to go to Google with only the client name in mind.This is an options but its the harder one. and for the girl it will be awkward when you tell her i got your number from a friend or her Facebook.

Then you have to follow up. sometimes you have to meet the client out of office and treat them to a cup of coffee or lunch. so these are the dates. dating should be fun. but you are selling yourself. different impressive attires, good talk and rehearsed lines. But sales teaches you not to be caught in a loop of dates, coffee/ lunch over and over again. which happens to many thus the question “so what are we”

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CLOSING: This is the ultimate aim and goal of selling. sealing the deal. only am a little confused about sealing the deal with a girl. depending on your religious beliefs. you will either bang her after that fifth date or just get a good ‘yes i will be your girlfriend’ and wait for her to give it up after marriage.

but as they say, sales is a continuous process, even after you close the deal. you have to do somethings. we can talk about that later. after all she gave it up.

 

What the movies are slipping past you

The movies are another way countries get to spread their cultures, music and also clean up their image in the face of other countries. or also tell their histories(only the victors do this). so right now am just wondering how far dear Uganda has gone ahead to use movies to erase Idi Amin from our minds. but it looks like Idi Amin movies are the only ones Hollywood can make about us. With the locals trying to mimic Hollywood action movies(refer to ‘who killed captain Alex’)

But then have you ever been watching a movie or series when you are wide awake and you can’t help but exclaim ‘wtf’. and by wide awake i not only mean when your not asleep but also not too deeply engrossed in the motion picture.

well if you have then you should realize that their are those things, new things that the movies are trying to slip past you and by doing this over and over again they become acceptable to  your subconscious mind. call it programming. personally it took me time to fully understand this from those nagging paranoid Zeeyis.

so everyone who watched the interview, remember that part when James Franco kissed Seth Rogen on the Lips…that was a wtf moment.

Then everyone who watches the TV drama ‘Empire’. wait. you realize how this particular TV drama is quit different from the usual black dramas or movies or series. This Empire thing has a lot of show of different sex orientations. from the gay, the lesbians, to the transvestite. yes!

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personally i had never seen a black TV drama with all this in it and that popular. well this drove the point home for me. all this is intended to make this acceptable behavior in society. so everyone should be awake and realize how such behavior will finally be made acceptable in society. it is through these movies, series and music videos.

well am not against anything but i want to be aware and not be any other stupid fool who accepts anything after it has been mischievously been slipped past me.

so people be awake.